Monday, October 24, 2011

risiko janji

jika kerbau dipegang pada talinya, manusia pula dipegang pada janjinya.

dan janji2 manusia selalunya tidak dapat dipegang sangat, nanti terkecewa jadinya.

aku juga sedang kecewa sekarang, kecewa sebab terlalu berpegang pada janji2 manusia.

aku tahu realiti itu, sebab aku dah banyak kali 'terkena'. tapi kali ini, entah kenapa aku masih lagi degil untuk ambil risiko itu.

dan seperti dijangka, aku kecewa lagi.

perasaan hati yang kecewa itu, hanya orang yang melaluinya saja dapat rasa. ia bukan buat kita sedih atau rasa nak menangis, tapi lebih kepada perasaan putus asa atau geram atau malas nak ambil kisah.

tapi, kenapa ya, walaupun sekian kalinya terkecewa, masih ada lagi yang sanggup ambil risiko itu? aku tak terkecuali

lone ranger. no?

For in the end, freedom is a personal and lonely battle; and one faces down fears of today so that those of tomorrow might be engaged.

i guess human are destined to be alone, to some extent. coz sometimes it's difficult for us to really understand others or even let them understand us.

mingling or socializing with people can be very hard at times, simply because human are different in their own way. the way we behave or our natural conduct varies and that variation may not bring happiness or contentment to all.
there would be those who are hurt at the end of the day, just because we unintendedly said the wrong things or might do something they didn't like etc.

so, the easy way out is to be lone ranger, and the world will only revolves around me, myself and i.

and as i said before, we can only depend on our own self, to console our broken heart or even to manage our emotion. nobody will never know how we feel inside; coz what we show may not be true after all.

starts to love ur own self today.

i do feel alone in this world, at the moment, but i know Allah is right besides me every now and then :)

Thursday, October 20, 2011

the complicated me

smile though your heart is aching

i always had this kind of love-hate relationship with myself, i don't know why; but once in a bluemoon, it'll come and 'attack' me.

i hate it, i hate it very much, coz when i'm in that condition, i can be the most annoying person u've ever met and u won't like me instantly.

and i also had this kind of emotionalisnale(as my cousin named it) which i afraid is within me ever since i wasn't born yet.

and i hate it, i hate it very much. i don't know what to do and the least i can do is to console and motivate myself with positive thoughts found in the internet(see, i can't even find words on my own!)

“We don’t see the things the way they are. We see things the way WE are.”

“If you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change.”

bila kenangan itu menjelma

aku berhenti berharap
dan menunggu datang gelap


sayup-sayup lagu dendangan sheila on 7 kedengaran dari corong radio petang itu.
"ah, tepat sekali kena atas batang hidung aku sendiri"
bosan berada di rumah sejak pagi memaksaku sedikit rajin dan baik hati menemankan kakak mengambil adik pulang dari kelas tuisyen di bandar. masuk saja ke dalam kereta, tangan ligat menekan siaran radio kegemaran, seperti rutin sahaja.

lirik lagu itu mampu buat aku tersenyum tanpa kata, kerana ia memang sangat 'kena' dengan situasi aku sekarang.
"aduh, bilalah keputusan posting nak keluar ni? aku dah bosan tunggu"
keluhan itu hanya tersekat di anak tekak sahaja, tidak terkeluar dari mulut, bukan apa, aku jadi malas untuk menjawab pertanyaan orang-orang di sekeliling yang aku kira asyik kedengaran sejak mula habis belajar lagi.
aku sendiri pun sangat mengharapkan waktu itu tiba, jadi tolonglah faham, bila soalan yang sama diulang tanya, ia mendera hatiku :(

bukan tidak dicuba telefon dan berhubung dengan rakan-rakan berbincangkan perihal posting yang tak kunjung tiba lagi, malah beribu-ribu kali dan topik yang sama akan jadi kegemaran semua orang. semua pakat hendak jadi ahli nujum meneka tarikh yang sebenar kami akan dipostingkan. namu, setakat ini, semuanya hampa.

hubungan dengan rakan-rakan menjadi erat kembali walaupun hanya berhubung lewat facebook. mungkin ada hikmahnya Allah 'melewatkan' tarikh penempatan batch kami; supaya dapat membina dan merapatkan kembali jurang persahabatan yang dulu pernah goyah hanya kerana semua 73 kami berlainan cara pemikiran dan perangai.
mungkin tak berapa matang pun ada juga.


bila tiba saat ini, kami kembali punya rasa yang sama dan semua orang saling sokong menyokong dan tolong menolong apa yang patut. aku bangga punya teman seperti mereka, walau secara lahirnya kami sudah tiada apa-apa ikatan, maksud aku semuanya sudah habis belajar dan usai graduasi, secara automatisnya semua akan sibuk dengan urusan hidup masing-masing, namu masih punya masa dan tempat buat teman-teman seperjuangan.
sesungguhnya aku bangga menjadi sebahagian dari mereka dan memori indah itu.

terbayang di minda bagaimana gigihnya mereka berjuang supaya elaun pelajar dimasukkan pada masanya, dan seringkali kami berjaya, walaupun terpaksa merasa apa itu erti ikat perut dan berjimat-cermat dahulu.
bagaimana kami bekerjasama menyiapkan barang-barang dan props semasa ditugakan untuk mengadakan bengkel di sekolah-sekolah, oh betapa indahnya dan eratnya kami saat itu.
dan aku bersyukur, walau apapun yang pernah berlaku di antara kami beramai-ramai, itu pasti akan menjadi kenangan terindah semua orang.

aku sangat pasti.

***********************************************************

lalu lintas petang itu agak sibuk, sebab hujan barangkali.
pergerakan kereta jadi lambat seperti kura-kura tetapi tidaklah sampai tahap berhenti lama.

fuh, nasib baik, kalau tak masaklah dalam kereta ni.

Wednesday, October 19, 2011

that little yet meaningful conversation

i've had this little conversation with my father on the way back from terengganu last week. i don't really remember the main point which lead to this eye-opening conversation, but it was something true and new and i guess i'll hold on to it like forever.

so, he was suggesting to me that it's better if i can further my studies since according to him, there were huge opportunity awaited me in the future. as i'm taking english, so the chances are higher for me to venture into something different from what i've been learning all this while. i agreed to his suggestion and loved it to bits since i myself have that kind of plan for my future too.

and i answered him, "well, we'll see if luck is on my side, then sooner or later i'll get the chance" "tengoklah kalau ada rezeki, adalah peluang tu"

having said that, father quickly corrected me not to use the word "if and only if " or "kalau ada rezeki" coz he said that Allah is kind and generous enough for He gave us everything we wanted and asked for regardless of our races or religion, be it Muslim, Christian, Buddhist, Jewish etc.

He gave blessings, sustenance(rezeki), safety, health, wealth, good food, oxygen whatnot to everyone in the whole universe though the person is not a Muslim. that is why Allah is the Most Generous and the Most Merciful; for He showered us with endless and priceless pleasure and enjoyment and blessings etc in this world.

and that rezeki (sustenance) is everywhere on earth, everyone is entitled to it, so it's up to us how we are going to get it; like father said "of course with efforts and hard work".

well, no things are easy and free, there'll always a price to pay, be it with money, energy, time or anything.

all this while i had this wrong concept in mind and i sorta like to say "if and only if luck was on my side" or even "kalau ada rezeki" or even "kalaulah". so lesson learned, i'll never ever said that again coz the thing is, rezeki or sustenance or luck were there anytime anywhere for us, what we need is little effort to get it.

this little conversation had really opened my eyes and i got to learn that sometimes, things are not always they appear to be, but rather its our opinion or mind which mould it to be the way they are. always learn to read between the lines and it's hidden meaning.

so, that was it. till then

rezeki itu ada dimana-mana, carilah

Tuesday, October 18, 2011

there's still hope

You can take everything I have
You can break everything I am
Like I'm made of glass
Like I'm made of paper
Go on and try to tear me down
I will be rising from the ground
Like a skyscraper
Like a skyscraper


i've always thought that there will be the time when we only have to depend on our own, not even family, relatives or close friends can help us. and i guess i was right after all.

i'm jobless but that doesn't mean i'm hopeless, i still believe in miracle. it do happens :)



:D

happy and sad moments are part of life, accept it!

i guess the tittle has said it all, happy and sad moments are definitely part of life, and we have to accept it for whatever reason.

well, many things happened lately. some are meant to be shared with others but some are not, maybe it's a bit personal.

so, the fact that i'm lazy and that's the sole reason why i seldom updated this blog. i used to think of closed it down but not for the moment, maybe in the near future :/

Alhamdulillah i'm officially a graduate and had my convo last 5th october. it was a great feeling indeed, its a mixed of feelings i should say- proud, nervous, happy, joy, sad, that walking-down-the-memory-lane kind of feeling but gay would be the best to top it all!

still remember the moment walking towards the pro cancellor and received the scroll from her. oh my, a great feeling indeed! this is it, this is the moment that i've been waiting and longed for so long :D i know its lame but who cares, its my blog anyway :D :D

am a happy girl at that :D


sadly, the happy moment didn't last that long i guess after i received another news. a shocking one, my grandmother was very ill and refused to eat any kind of food, she only accepted water which makes her tiny body to grow tinier and her condition was really really really sad. pictures sent by my cousin shocked us to bits and that's why all of a sudden, my parents made a quick decision they've ever made(i guess so) and off we(father, mother and i) went back to terengganu that tuesday midnight.

Alhamdulillah all praises are due to Allah for He made our journey easy and safe. that 5 hours of journey was the longest in my life due to the fact that everyone in the car kept on thinking and praying everything will be just fine. it seemed like we are the only car on the road that night together with trailers and lorries which made it a bit dangerous to speed, but above all we arrived safely.

looking at tok's real condition and situation made me wept, afraid that we might lose her. but Allah definitely has His own plan and who am i to question? i got to take care of her for two consecutive days and deep down, i felt relieved and satisfied since i'm able to be beside her towards the end of her life. so to speak, tok left us on thursday night in between mahgrib and isya' and may her soul rest in peace.

speaking about her, my grandmother whom we called 'tok' is the kindest and best person in the whole wide world. i've never saw her mad and she's been a very very very very good wife, mother, grandmother, sibling and friends to those who've known to her. you will never wanted to talk something bad about her, coz it will make you feel guilty afterwards. and i'm truly blessed having the chance to have her as my tok and to know her great personality :)

tok, Na doakan supaya ALLAH ampunkan dosa2 tok yang lalu, semoga roh tok ditempatkan di kalangan hamba2 ALLAH yang beriman dan soleh. tidur dan rehatlah sepuas-puasnya tok dan bergembiralah di sana. we'll always remember you :')

Everyone shall taste death. And only on the Day of Resurrection shall you be paid your wages in full. And whoever is removed away from the Fire and admitted to Paradise, he indeed is successful. The life of this world is only the enjoyment of deception (a deceiving thing).
[Ali I'mran; 185]

to Allah we belong and to Him we shall return

i guess that's all for this time being. till then